This I Believe

OUTLINE

1. Introduce previous thoughts on life and my own mental health
2. Discuss how I started to live more because nothing mattered
3. Now I have something to lose, and now I am afraid of death because I have experienced how precious life is

DRAFT ONE

I remember being 12, and feeling like the world wasn’t meant for me. I felt like living wasn’t meant for me. It was hard to muster up even an ounce of feeling when everything exhausted me. I slept so much and not enough, and wanted to simply bury myself in the cold earth and never wake up. When I was 12, I was extremely depressed and passively suicidal. To me, there was no point in anything because I wanted to die and probably would soon. This led to an interesting mentality. If nothing mattered, why not do what I wanted? If I was going to die soon anyways, why not live how I wanted first? It was almost like seeing Death near you, scythe and all, and saying five more minutes.

So, I started doing whatever I wanted. I was always a goody two shoes, and probably always will be, so I didn’t start committing crimes, but I did start to hang out with friends more. I went to parties, and social events, and even hung out with my family more. I did some stupid stuff, like poking at my little brother more because I could, but for the most part, I started to live how I wanted.

As I got older, and I relied more on the people around me, I realized that I didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to keep living, and keep experiencing all that I could. Life was so precious now; I had so many more good memories of living that the need for death felt further and further away. This revitalized will to live has brought with it new challenges. I now have a fear of death. What was once my companion and close friend is now my greatest fear. I have seen and felt what life can offer, and I do not want to lose it. How strange it is, to go from Death hanging near, to wanting to outrun the natural balance to life. I feel perhaps like a vampire, or an ancient emperor of old. I have come close to dying, felt my body and soul prepare for it, and was brought back. Now I feel desperate to keep this cherished life I lead. I almost want to start searching for some immortality gimmick, and see if I can live forever.

DRAFT TWO

I remember being 12, and feeling like the world wasn’t meant for me. I felt like living wasn’t meant for me. It was hard to muster up even an ounce of feeling when everything exhausted me. I slept so much and not enough, and wanted to simply bury myself in the cold earth and never wake up. When I was 12, I was extremely depressed and passively suicidal. To me, there was no point in anything because I wanted to die and probably would soon. This led to an interesting mentality. If nothing mattered, why not do what I wanted? If I was going to die soon anyways, why not live how I wanted first? It was almost like seeing Death near you, scythe and all, and saying five more minutes.

So, I started doing whatever I wanted. I was always a goody two shoes, and probably always will be, so I didn’t start committing crimes, but I did start to hang out with friends more. I went to parties, and social events, and even hung out with my family more. I did some stupid stuff, like poking at my little brother more because I could, but for the most part, I started to live how I wanted.

As I got older, and I relied more on the people around me, I realized that I didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to keep living, and keep experiencing all that I could. Life was so precious now; I had so many more good memories of living that the need for death felt further and further away. This revitalized will to live has brought with it new challenges. I now have a fear of death. What was once my companion and close friend is now my greatest fear. I have seen and felt what life can offer, and I do not want to lose it. How strange it is, to go from Death hanging near, to wanting to outrun the natural balance to life. I feel perhaps like a vampire, or an ancient emperor of old. I have come close to dying, felt my body and soul prepare for it, and was brought back. Now I feel desperate to keep this cherished life I lead. I almost want to start searching for some immortality gimmick, and see if I can live forever.

My life is so cherished now, and I do not want to lose it. But, I must come to accept that Death will eventually come for me. It will not be soon (I hope), but it will come for me in the future, and when it does, I do not want to greet my old friend with fear. I wish to welcome him with open arms, as at that point, I hope that I will have lived a wonderful life.

PEER REVIEW REFLECTION

I loved being able to listen to all of my groups essays. I think they all covered some very important topics and they all chose to talk about something that meant a lot to them. I gave them feedback, mostly related to grammar and syntax, and they let me edit one or two places I thought a point could be expanded. In turn, they also reviewed my essay, and essentially said they wouldn’t change anything, but that I should add one more paragraph to neatly tie up the end. So I did, and now my essay flows better.

FINAL DRAFT

I remember being 12, and feeling like the world wasn’t meant for me. I felt like living wasn’t meant for me. It was hard to muster up even an ounce of feeling when everything exhausted me. I slept so much and not enough, and wanted to simply bury myself in the cold earth and never wake up. When I was 12, I was extremely depressed and passively suicidal. To me, there was no point in anything because I wanted to die and probably would soon. This led to an interesting mentality. If nothing mattered, why not do what I wanted? If I was going to die soon anyways, why not live how I wanted first? It was almost like seeing Death near you, scythe and all, and saying five more minutes. 

So, I started doing whatever I wanted. I was always a goody two shoes, and probably always will be, so I didn’t start committing crimes, but I did start to hang out with friends more. I went to parties, and social events, and even hung out with my family more. I did some stupid stuff, like poking at my little brother more because I could, but for the most part, I started to live how I wanted. 

As I got older, and I relied more on the people around me, I realized that I didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to keep living, and keep experiencing all that I could. Life was so precious now; I had so many more good memories of living that the need for death felt further and further away. This revitalized will to live has brought with it new challenges. I now have a fear of death. What was once my companion and close friend is now my greatest fear. I have seen and felt what life can offer, and I do not want to lose it. How strange it is, to go from Death hanging near, to wanting to outrun the natural balance to life. I feel perhaps like a vampire, or an ancient emperor of old. I have come close to dying, felt my body and soul prepare for it, and was brought back. Now I feel desperate to keep this cherished life I lead. I almost want to start searching for some immortality gimmick, and see if I can live forever. 

My life is so cherished now, and I do not want to lose it. But, I must come to accept that Death will eventually come for me. It will not be soon (I hope), but it will come for me in the future, and when it does, I do not want to greet my old friend with fear. I wish to welcome him with open arms, as at that point, I hope that I will have lived a wonderful life. 

REFLECTION AS A WHOLE

Doing this assignment was interesting. I really liked being able to explore my beliefs further, and dive down deep into my own psyche. I find that assignments that require me to think deeply about my own personality are assignments that I typically enjoy. This assignment has been no different. I got to reflect on a very challenging time in my life, and how it’s changed so much for me. I also loved being able to read other people’s essays on their own beliefs in life. I found it nice to be able to connect with them in an unexpected way, and offer my own advice for their essays. I will say that it was almost scary to be reflecting on such a dark time in my life. I mean, I was depressed and suicidal at 12, and got almost no help until I was 14. But I did get help, and now life is so precious to me. There is also some irony in this situation; that I once wanted death, and now I am afraid of it. I liked being able to reflect on this irony, and how it has changed my approach to life. I also liked being able to formulate various drafts along the way.